The Christian who can’t forgive

I start work at 11am tomorrow so aim to be asleep by 1am however I just wanted to jot a few things down.

I like my job, I like all the girls I work with, even my bosses. The only aspect I don’t like is standing up all day but that’s easier to deal with now especially when I realise how many calories I’m burning. By the summer I’m gonna look great. I make a point of eating in the morning, eating just before I start work and having dinner a while before I go to sleep. I’m 7lbs down since I stopped going to the gym.

What I wanted to write about was family; at present most blogs I read, bar one which is on fashion are written by women who have families.

I want a family of my own so badly. I set a goal at 22 to be famous by 25. On Sunday I was in a national newspaper so I guess that goal was achieved (I’m 26 in July so I’m still 25). At 23 I set a goal to be in the family way by 28 and living in America, that gives me 2 and a half years.

But I have so much baggage, my OCD is controlling me at the moment. Who’d want me this way? Who’d want someone who obsesses over getting bullied byBonquishas at school? There is not a day that I don’t think about Prendergast and I hate that. It was such a vile point in my life.

I want to be a wife, mother, stay at home mother at that and have a white picket fence. How can I achieve that when all I want to do when I see certain ‘people I may want to add’ suggestions on facebook is write them mean messages telling them how ugly they are on the inside and out. Why can’t I let go? Why didn’t I just tell my parents what was going on in school? Maybe they could have changed my school. Anyhow as I said I want to have a family, I read blogs by family women and want that for myself but I just can’t let go. I need to if I want a proper life of my own. I conquered BDD I’ll kick OCD’s ass too.

I was listening to and watching ‘House of Pain’ rap to ‘Jump Around’ and watching those Irish Catholics rap made me think of the fresh start I’ll make when I get my papers one day and move to America, the land of opportunity. Their families probably came over in the 1920s, I’d love that story. My trip from Europe across the Atlantic to the US.

However for any of that to happen I need to let go. God won’t give me more when my plate is already too full.

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